Hello, hello listeners, and welcome back to the Genmema podcast, where we talk about all things pregnancy, postpartum, motherhood, tips and tricks and more from a Senegalese-American perspective. I'm your host, aisitugise, and today's episode is going to be a MIVA Whole Parenthood Edition. So if you're not familiar with MIVA Whole, the acronym is A-I-T-A. It's basically folks who go on Reddit and they ask questions, they give a scenario and they say am I the A-hole in this scenario? So today I've picked a couple of those scenarios and we're going to read them out loud together and we're going to talk about if that person is the A-hole or not. So I'm trying out a new format here with StreamYard. I'm going to be sharing my screen so you guys can read along with me. Bear with me while I pull this up. Okay, so we have our very first MIVA Whole prompt.

Speaker 1: 0:57

So this Redditor goes am I the A-hole for wanting to keep my bedroom door locked to keep my kid out Off the bat? My answer is yes, you are, because as annoying as they can be and yes, kids can be annoying I know that it's not popular to say that or admit that, but to act like kids can be annoying, I think, is ridiculous. As much of a handful and, as annoying as they can be, you cannot lock the door and keep them out. I'm thinking safety reasons, but let's keep reading and see what this Redditor is talking about. So they say, essentially my child, who is five, has never slept alone in their own bed, despite numerous attempts and efforts over the years. They just simply wake up and waltz right in, sometimes five minutes after bedtime, sometimes five hours. It's a nightmare to get them back to their own room and usually ends up in an argument with my spouse who simply doesn't care and lets my kid co-sleep. So I'm thinking that the person who wrote this is probably a man, the dad, and that's because one thing they're going to do is sleep and they prioritize that sleep over a lot of things. And so the spouse who simply doesn't care and let the kid co-sleep is probably the mom, because they're tired and they would rather co-sleep than deal with getting up, especially if they're breastfeeding, like I can already see this being like me and my husband already like let's let her sleep in the bed so that I don't have to deal with it and you can get your sleep.

Speaker 1: 2:26

So they go on to say we have a lock on our door and I've been told not to use it. This is definitely the dad. I think by having our door locked at night we can teach our kids some tough love, and I totally expect the first few nights to be terrible, but I'm hoping that by the end of the week, by the end of a week or so, my kid would hopefully learn they can't come in anymore. They won't. Naturally, my spouse is against this and thinks I'm an a-hole for wanting to lock my kid out. I mean, I don't know why they put lock my kid out in quotations. Because you do want to lock them out. It's not in quotations, so it goes. So, reddit, am I the a-hole? In short, yes, you are the a-hole.

Speaker 1: 3:07

Unfortunately or fortunately, when you become a parent, like your independence, your freedom, your sleep, that is all second to what your child wants and needs at the time. So if you're saying that for the past five years that you have been trying to get them to sleep alone in their own room, in their own bed, and they refuse to, now might not be the right time to try to get them to do that by locking them out. You might have to sleep, train them, and I see that they do have an edit in here about sleep training methods. It's not going to be easy, but locking them out of your room is not the solution, so maybe you can try other methods. I don't know, because I'm not there yet. All I know is that this situation is very familiar to me. My baby has been co-sleeping with us and I don't know how we're going to get her out of our room, but either way, like you can't lock your kid out, so yes, you are the a-hole for trying to lock your kid out in order to get some sleep. I'm sorry your sleep has to come second. So let's move on to our second scenario. I'm not going to read the edit or whatever else you wrote. Like you're an asshole, don't do that. Okay, next one. Okay, this next one goes. Am I the a-hole for telling my truth about parenthood? I made a post about this and shared it with my husband and he said I was bit of an asshole. So I figured I'd get the reddit opinion.

Speaker 1: 4:32

I was visiting a friend at work who recently found out she was pregnant. On an unrelated note, I had my daughter with me in her Jorn think that's how you say that and a couple of girls came in who are about 19 to 20 years old. One immediately started gushing about how cute my baby was and I was thinking, hey, I have a cute ass baby, so gush away. I feel you, girl, I do too. She asked me how motherhood was. She asked me how was motherhood and what she has to look forward to. I Asked if she wanted the truth, which she said yes, and I told her just that I don't hate motherhood, but if I had a restart button, I definitely do some things differently. I have some thoughts, but I'm gonna hold on to it and just keep reading, because I think she's she's on to something here. I basically told her, if she likes not waking up to a crying baby or taking long showers or taking uninterrupted naps, motherhood might not be for her at the moment. I said that I will admit with the bitterness that I, my daughter, was conceived almost immediately. I don't know what she wrote there, but that my daughter was conceived almost immediately after I finished college.

Speaker 1: 5:49

Okay, so I didn't have a break. I literally one from one stressor to another, and I figured it would be prudent to tell someone who still has a chance to Control these things to get them under control. Unless they're, unless that is something they truly want. My husband said I should have lied to her and it was an asshole thing for me to tell her the truth like that. Am I the asshole? I realize I went from saying am I the a-hole? To now I'm just saying might be asshole. It's a lot easier. Um, you guys are all adults here. You are not the asshole.

Speaker 1: 6:23

I think that a lot of people glamorize parenthood in such a way that you almost invite folks in and you're not telling the full truth and it's hard, I think, for someone who is 19 or 20. So that's, that's who she's talking to. A couple of girls who are about 19 to 20. They don't have kids yet. They're asking her how was motherhood? Now I think if I was, if I was her, I would give a very balanced answer that sometimes it's Amazing and it's great, it's wonderful, and sometimes it's hard and it sucks, like that guy who wants to lock his kid out so he can get some sleep.

Speaker 1: 6:58

I think she gave a lot of good answers around. If you don't want to wake up till crying baby, if you want to take on it uninterrupted naps, if you would want to take long showers, if you want to basically be free to do whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want. Having a baby may not be the right thing for you at the moment. I think the the good thing that she mentioned here is that it's at the moment. You can have kids later on, when you've gotten all that out of your system. But I think the answer she gave was very realistic. It was very honest and I commend her for being able to do that.

Speaker 1: 7:29

And I actually want to take the time to talk about my own experience, where I I Came a mother and then like people around the house would be saying like your daughter, or they would be like, oh, like my daughter would be crying or something, and they were like your mom and the disconnect was there for me. I was like who are they talking about it? Who are they talking to? Because I know it's not me. Like it took me a while to come into motherhood, even after having my baby. So I think that to just glamorize it all the time and just make it seem like it's the most amazing thing ever, it is, but it's also very challenging. So I like that she gave an appropriate answer. I hope she sprinkles some positive things in there.

Speaker 1: 8:07

But overall I don't think you're the asshole redditor. I don't think you're the asshole for being honest when a come Some 19 to 20 year olds ask you if you know what motherhood was like. So there's that. I'm trying to see if there's anything else I want to add. I think yeah, no, I think she gave an honest answer. I don't know why her husband would would say that. I don't know why he would encourage her to lie. I I could see if he was like I think you should have given a more balanced answer, but I don't think that he should have encouraged her to lie and then for him to acknowledge that it is a lie to say anything other than what she said. That speaks volumes. Like you don't want to get people this false impression of anything that they're truly curious about. If they ask you, tell them that. That's my belief. She has an edit in here. She says she goes.

Speaker 1: 8:56

There seems to be a bit of confusion. The statements I made were not to put my already we're not made to my already pregnant friend. She was with me through my entire pregnancy. In the first few weeks of postpartum recovery, this information was given to college girls who had proclaimed baby fever, yeah, so it's very common. People will see a cute baby and they'll be like, oh, I have baby fever now. A lot of people are joking when they say that. But there's that percentage of people who are very serious. They see it as this, like accessory, as this very fun thing that they always have on their hands, and they're not realizing how much work goes into it.

Speaker 1: 9:32

For me, even though I knew motherhood was hard, it still was not enough to prepare me for just how hard it was. Like point blank period. All right, let's move on to the next one. Am I the asshole for asking my boyfriend to let me do the parenting? My boyfriend and I are going to have a baby girl 16 weeks. What does that mean? Baby girl? It may be in 16 weeks anyways. I moved in with him when I found out I was pregnant. The problem is he also has a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship who is extremely spoiled, and it's my boyfriend's fault, okay.

Speaker 1: 10:18

Some examples are that she will only wear designer clothes, which I think is very unnecessary for a kid, and my boyfriend has a maid, so she has never done a chore in her whole life. A few weeks ago I asked her to wash the dishes and she looked at me like I'm insane and said F off, the maid will do it. This is a quick note as I'm editing the episode, because I realized I forgot to say this For the 14 year old, to tell you, f off, the maid will do it. I think you have way bigger problems than her wearing designer clothes. I think you need to have a much bigger sit down with her father around how she was raised and how you want to raise your kids. So a lot of what I'm going to be saying. I'm just going to put this on top of that and say, like, in addition to everything I've said in this episode, in this particular scenario, you also need to have a very serious conversation around why this 14 year old feels like it's okay to say F you and while she feels entitled to the maid doing everything. Also, what does your boyfriend do that he has a maid and his 14 year old is wearing designer clothes? Like listen, it might be a lifestyle problem here that we're talking about.

Speaker 1: 11:32

She is exactly how I don't want my child to be. So a few days ago, my boyfriend and I were talking about the baby and he was talking about his plans for when the baby is born and how much he is going to spoil her. I told him that it's better if he would let me do all the parenting, girl. He asked why, and I gently explained to him that he has already raised a child and I don't want my child to end up like her, so it's better if he just leaves the parenting to me. He got mad and called me an asshole and asked if I have a problem with his daughter. I said that I don't, but I want to raise my child differently, and he sarcastically told me that maybe I should move out and be a single parent and see how I like it. Now he won't talk to me and I'm wondering if I should have said that.

Speaker 1: 12:24

The general, are you the asshole? I would say yes because, girl, he already has the baby girl, the 14 year old daughter that he loves very, very much, and so why would you basically indirectly say that you hate how she is and you want to raise your child differently and therefore you should let him, he should let you do all the parenting? That is unrealistic. If you plan on staying with this person, you cannot ask for them to let you do all the parenting because you're not the only parent. So either you disconnect from them and you completely go and be a single parent, like he told you, or you realize that this is a partnership, that there may be some things that he did with his first daughter that you don't want to do with your daughter together now, but at the end of the day, their siblings number one, number two you chose this man to be with. So in the time that you were with him, if you hadn't already picked up on how he was treating his 14-year-old, that should have been a good indicator of how he's going to treat your baby together.

Speaker 1: 13:28

But that's not to say that you have to just, you know, wave a red flag, sorry, wave a white flag and give up. What that means is you have to just have a conversation, and the conversation can't be that you should leave the parenting all to me, because that's unrealistic, it's unfair, it's not logical. But you should have a conversation around what values you want to instill in your baby, what values you want to instill in both kids, because you have to have a frame of mind of like this is also your child, his 14-year-old is your stepchild. I mean, you say boyfriend, but it sounds like you guys are wanting to start a family together and be together. So you should be acting like a stepmom and that's your stepdaughter. So you shouldn't be isolating them and saying I don't like how they are and this is how I want to treat our little nuclear family. You guys are all one big family and so it's very asshole-ish to ask him to let you do all the parenting as if you know best. You may know different, but that's not to say what you know is better than what he knows. So you guys just need to talk about it. And parenting is a two-partner thing. Like you guys need to talk about it If you both want to be in the child's life. He cannot leave the parenting to you. That's impossible. Oh, got a little riled up there because what the hell? I don't like this one because it's kind of stupid. Like, why would you say leave all the parenting to me? He's supposed to just be like okay, no problem, you got it, girl. Okay, last one. Um, am I the asshole? New parents need to know. Please read it.

Speaker 1: 15:03

Help my wife was a 31 year old female and me a 32 year old male. Settle a disagreement. We will help you settle this disagreement, even though it was 168 days ago. My wife was taking care of our newborn when our three-year-old came up to ask her if she would help her go to the bathroom. Okay, she said go ask your father because she was busy. So my daughter ran up to ask me. We were sitting in a room with my family. No, no, it didn't say my name, you were just sitting in a room with family. So grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, brother, etc. So when my daughter asked me to help her, I told her ask your grandmother, who is constantly telling us she is happy to help and loves any chance to interact or help out with her grandkids.

Speaker 1: 15:52

Now my wife is upset because she said I don't want some help, I want you to help. I Didn't want some help, I wanted you to help. So please let me have. If. What do these people be writing? Okay, so they want to know if they're the asshole and they have a couple of clarifying points.

Speaker 1: 16:13

If we were alone, I 100% would have and typically do helped out by wife. This is not a disagreement about thinking diapers or whatever else's wife's work or anything similar. However, since I knew my mother would be very happy to help. I didn't and don't see the harm in letting her help out. Also, I would have been 100% happy to help my wife out if I knew it was about me helping instead of getting her help when she was busy. What? I would have been 100% happy to help my wife out if I knew it was about me helping. Okay, I said okay. It literally didn't occur to me for one second it never does that asking for help would have set her in the future. I will be happy to help her myself, even if it seems stupid to me, because she's my wife and that's what a husband should do. But in this instance, our Disagreement is about whether or not I should have known it would be upsetting to ask someone else to help instead of doing it myself.

Speaker 1: 17:17

Hmm, what do new parents need to know? Because the title was am I the asshole? New parents need to know. There's a new parents and they need to know. Okay, hmm, yes, yes, yes, yes. I am inclined to say yes, you are the asshole. Only because you're doing this whole rant about Whether the problem is her expecting you to help versus you helping, versus the mom stepping in like sir, your daughter, right, who is three Came to her mom and said I need to pee and she's busy with the newborn.

Speaker 1: 17:57

So she's like go ask your father. Very reasonable, she has to pee. Okay, these bladders they're not that strong, so you gotta help her pee. So she comes to you Any other example give her food, play with her. Fine grandma can step in. But if she needs to pee and she comes to you and she's like I got a pee, just take her to pee. You don't have to pawn that off to the grandmother. I Guess I'm just thinking about it from the child's perspective like, imagine you have to pee. So you already had worked up to the point where you had to pee. So you come and tell your mom and then your mom's I go ask your father. So you go ask your father and your father's, I go ask your grandma. That's already. Like if she pees on the carpet or on the floor, whose fault is that? It's your guys's fault, because you guys are Pawning or off to each other. But clearly the mom is busy with the newborn. So dad, just take her to pee. It's not that serious and I Get it. The grandmother wants to help.

Speaker 1: 18:53

But it seems to be that it seems to me that there might be a disconnect here because the mother I don't think she should be so caught up on the fact that the dad asked her grandma to help. I'm more upset about the girl, or the baby girl, like the new, the three-year-old, getting shuffled from person to person. That's what is more upsetting to me. I don't think the wife should have cared too much about who helped her pee. I think she was more upset about the delay and if not, then she Okay, um, what am I trying to say here? I don't, I think it's just stupid. Like, as the husband, as the father, just go help her pee.

Speaker 1: 19:35

You don't have to include grandma, because sometimes, like because most likely you don't live with grandma, it might be more of a process to actually help her go pee, like, oh, let's go. She might not be as familiar with them. So in things like that, I think it's just easier for the parents to do it. It's faster, it's more efficient, and then grandparents can help with like, feeding, playing, tucking in, telling bedtime stories, things like that. But I think, specifically when it comes to like, asking her to go use the like, helping her to go use a bathroom, one of the parents should be able to do that and it should not be something that you point off under the people. The wife is upset about the fact that you would ask somebody else for help. I can see that. I can see it where it's like why don't you do it you? What are you doing? You're sitting there talking. Using the grandmother who is constantly happy to help is not the best excuse right then and there, like I mentioned, just go help your daughter use the bathroom. Oh, these people.

Speaker 1: 20:32

But I see myself in every single one of these scenarios. I see my couple in every single one of these scenarios, because that's just what parenting is. It's like you marry the person that is the love of your life and everything is going well. And then you add a kid into the mix and let me tell you, different jikos, different attitudes, different personalities start coming out, because the way you want a parent might not be how they want a parent.

Speaker 1: 20:54

Disagreements like this happen, misunderstandings. People are, you know, talking about your baby being cute or giving you baby fever, and you're thinking like no, let me, let me sound the alarm, let me make sure that I warn them about how hard this can be. So I completely understand all of what's going on here in this Reddit sub post. I understand everything that these parents are going through and I just want to say like this was a lighthearted episode. I'm talking about people are the asshole. They're not the asshole, but let me tell you it is trial and error and just because you're an asshole in one scenario doesn't mean you're an asshole in general.

Speaker 1: 21:29

Just want to put that out there, that people are just experimenting and going through life and asking questions. And one thing that I do appreciate and I think that's what Reddit represents is that having a community around you can really help. Sometimes you do need to just be like was I overreacting? Did I do the most? Was this helpful? How can I make this better? So having that feedback loop can be really, really helpful when it comes to parenting, and that's what I'm getting from, like the posts I'm reading, the commentary I'm making, and hopefully you guys can kind of sense that when you listen to the episode as well, that people don't know what they're doing out here. They're just trial and erroring and these kids are the game pigs. So that's what I had for this episode.

Speaker 1: 22:11

Like I mentioned, I wanted it to be a lighthearted, just a conversation, free, free flow of other parents who have questions and then me commenting on it, even though I don't have the most experience I'm just one year in but, like I mentioned, I see myself in every single one of those scenarios and I am just praying for all parents, new and old. Well, new restaurants, they all new and seasoned that parenthood continues to be a wonderful learning journey for all of us. Yeah, it's just, it's hard, but it is what it is, and sometimes those silver linings make every single hard experience so much more worth it. I don't know if I said that. Well, let me let me say it like. Let me clarify you know, you, you go through a lot of difficult moments as a parent and you go through a lot of hardship and doubt and questioning and wondering if you're doing things right. I'll never forget, like, every time I meet a parent like, especially a parent of a teenager or a parent of an adult, I always ask does it get easier? And everyone has said no, everyone's like no, it doesn't get easier. So that alone tells me that there's a long, difficult journey ahead. But the silver lining in all of it is that the kids, the love that you share with them, it makes it all worth it. It's a learning experience for you. It'll challenge you in ways that you never thought you could be challenged, but it's a wonderful experience, and so I commend those right at parents who came and asked all these questions and want to put yourself in such a vulnerable position to receive that feedback. It's not easy, so kudos to you guys, but that was fun.

Speaker 1: 24:01

I had a good time reading the posts, responding to them. I don't know if I'm correct or incorrect, but what do you guys think? Are these people the assholes for these scenarios that they're in and the way that they responded? Let me know in the comments below. Let me know if you're listening and you're not watching. So if you are an audio podcaster and you're listening to this in your car or in your kitchen or wherever, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram at idaggisay underscore, underscore. Yeah, you guys know how to reach me, so thank you thus far for being part of the community and I hope that we get new community members so that it can be more and more fun. I think I'll scour the Reddit, the subreddits for MIV asshole and see if there are any more relevant parenting additions that I can do. This was really fun and I think it's a good break from a lot of the hard episodes that I do. So hope you guys enjoy this and I will give you a rendezvous for the next episode. Thanks for listening. Slash watching.

The Jeune Maman Podcast

E23: AITA for locking my kid out so I can sleep? | Reddit Reactions

Listen to this podcast on