E23: AITA for locking my kid out so I can sleep? | Reddit Reactions

In this episode, I respond to some AITA Reddit posts, parenthood edition!

Transcript

Parenting Realities and a-Hole Scenarios

Speaker 1 0:00

Hello , hello listeners , and welcome back to the Genmema podcast , where we talk about all things pregnancy , postpartum , motherhood , tips and tricks and more from a Senegalese-American perspective . I'm your host , aisitugise , and today's episode is going to be a MIVA Whole Parenthood Edition . So if you're not familiar with MIVA Whole , the acronym is A-I-T-A . It's basically folks who go on Reddit and they ask questions , they give a scenario and they say am I the A-hole in this scenario ? So today I've picked a couple of those scenarios and we're going to read them out loud together and we're going to talk about if that person is the A-hole or not . So I'm trying out a new format here with StreamYard . I'm going to be sharing my screen so you guys can read along with me . Bear with me while I pull this up . Okay , so we have our very first MIVA Whole prompt .

Speaker 1 0:57

So this Redditor goes am I the A-hole for wanting to keep my bedroom door locked to keep my kid out Off the bat ? My answer is yes , you are , because as annoying as they can be and yes , kids can be annoying I know that it's not popular to say that or admit that , but to act like kids can be annoying , I think , is ridiculous . As much of a handful and , as annoying as they can be , you cannot lock the door and keep them out . I'm thinking safety reasons , but let's keep reading and see what this Redditor is talking about . So they say , essentially my child , who is five , has never slept alone in their own bed , despite numerous attempts and efforts over the years . They just simply wake up and waltz right in , sometimes five minutes after bedtime , sometimes five hours . It's a nightmare to get them back to their own room and usually ends up in an argument with my spouse who simply doesn't care and lets my kid co-sleep . So I'm thinking that the person who wrote this is probably a man , the dad , and that's because one thing they're going to do is sleep and they prioritize that sleep over a lot of things . And so the spouse who simply doesn't care and let the kid co-sleep is probably the mom , because they're tired and they would rather co-sleep than deal with getting up , especially if they're breastfeeding , like I can already see this being like me and my husband already like let's let her sleep in the bed so that I don't have to deal with it and you can get your sleep .

Speaker 1 2:26

So they go on to say we have a lock on our door and I've been told not to use it . This is definitely the dad . I think by having our door locked at night we can teach our kids some tough love , and I totally expect the first few nights to be terrible , but I'm hoping that by the end of the week , by the end of a week or so , my kid would hopefully learn they can't come in anymore . They won't . Naturally , my spouse is against this and thinks I'm an a-hole for wanting to lock my kid out . I mean , I don't know why they put lock my kid out in quotations . Because you do want to lock them out . It's not in quotations , so it goes . So , reddit , am I the a-hole ? In short , yes , you are the a-hole .

Speaker 1 3:07

Unfortunately or fortunately , when you become a parent , like your independence , your freedom , your sleep , that is all second to what your child wants and needs at the time . So if you're saying that for the past five years that you have been trying to get them to sleep alone in their own room , in their own bed , and they refuse to , now might not be the right time to try to get them to do that by locking them out . You might have to sleep , train them , and I see that they do have an edit in here about sleep training methods . It's not going to be easy , but locking them out of your room is not the solution , so maybe you can try other methods . I don't know , because I'm not there yet . All I know is that this situation is very familiar to me . My baby has been co-sleeping with us and I don't know how we're going to get her out of our room , but either way , like you can't lock your kid out , so yes , you are the a-hole for trying to lock your kid out in order to get some sleep . I'm sorry your sleep has to come second . So let's move on to our second scenario . I'm not going to read the edit or whatever else you wrote . Like you're an asshole , don't do that . Okay , next one . Okay , this next one goes . Am I the a-hole for telling my truth about parenthood ? I made a post about this and shared it with my husband and he said I was bit of an asshole . So I figured I'd get the reddit opinion .

Speaker 1 4:32

I was visiting a friend at work who recently found out she was pregnant . On an unrelated note , I had my daughter with me in her Jorn think that's how you say that and a couple of girls came in who are about 19 to 20 years old . One immediately started gushing about how cute my baby was and I was thinking , hey , I have a cute ass baby , so gush away . I feel you , girl , I do too . She asked me how motherhood was . She asked me how was motherhood and what she has to look forward to . I Asked if she wanted the truth , which she said yes , and I told her just that I don't hate motherhood , but if I had a restart button , I definitely do some things differently . I have some thoughts , but I'm gonna hold on to it and just keep reading , because I think she's she's on to something here . I basically told her , if she likes not waking up to a crying baby or taking long showers or taking uninterrupted naps , motherhood might not be for her at the moment . I said that I will admit with the bitterness that I , my daughter , was conceived almost immediately . I don't know what she wrote there , but that my daughter was conceived almost immediately after I finished college .

Speaker 1 5:49

Okay , so I didn't have a break . I literally one from one stressor to another , and I figured it would be prudent to tell someone who still has a chance to Control these things to get them under control . Unless they're , unless that is something they truly want . My husband said I should have lied to her and it was an asshole thing for me to tell her the truth like that . Am I the asshole ? I realize I went from saying am I the a-hole ? To now I'm just saying might be asshole . It's a lot easier . Um , you guys are all adults here . You are not the asshole .

Speaker 1 6:23

I think that a lot of people glamorize parenthood in such a way that you almost invite folks in and you're not telling the full truth and it's hard , I think , for someone who is 19 or 20 . So that's , that's who she's talking to . A couple of girls who are about 19 to 20 . They don't have kids yet . They're asking her how was motherhood ? Now I think if I was , if I was her , I would give a very balanced answer that sometimes it's Amazing and it's great , it's wonderful , and sometimes it's hard and it sucks , like that guy who wants to lock his kid out so he can get some sleep .

Speaker 1 6:58

I think she gave a lot of good answers around . If you don't want to wake up till crying baby , if you want to take on it uninterrupted naps , if you would want to take long showers , if you want to basically be free to do whatever you want , however you want , whenever you want . Having a baby may not be the right thing for you at the moment . I think the the good thing that she mentioned here is that it's at the moment . You can have kids later on , when you've gotten all that out of your system . But I think the answer she gave was very realistic . It was very honest and I commend her for being able to do that .

Speaker 1 7:29

And I actually want to take the time to talk about my own experience , where I I Came a mother and then like people around the house would be saying like your daughter , or they would be like , oh , like my daughter would be crying or something , and they were like your mom and the disconnect was there for me . I was like who are they talking about it ? Who are they talking to ? Because I know it's not me . Like it took me a while to come into motherhood , even after having my baby . So I think that to just glamorize it all the time and just make it seem like it's the most amazing thing ever , it is , but it's also very challenging . So I like that she gave an appropriate answer . I hope she sprinkles some positive things in there .

Speaker 1 8:07

But overall I don't think you're the asshole redditor . I don't think you're the asshole for being honest when a come Some 19 to 20 year olds ask you if you know what motherhood was like . So there's that . I'm trying to see if there's anything else I want to add . I think yeah , no , I think she gave an honest answer . I don't know why her husband would would say that . I don't know why he would encourage her to lie . I I could see if he was like I think you should have given a more balanced answer , but I don't think that he should have encouraged her to lie and then for him to acknowledge that it is a lie to say anything other than what she said . That speaks volumes . Like you don't want to get people this false impression of anything that they're truly curious about . If they ask you , tell them that . That's my belief . She has an edit in here . She says she goes .

Speaker 1 8:56

There seems to be a bit of confusion . The statements I made were not to put my already we're not made to my already pregnant friend . She was with me through my entire pregnancy . In the first few weeks of postpartum recovery , this information was given to college girls who had proclaimed baby fever , yeah , so it's very common . People will see a cute baby and they'll be like , oh , I have baby fever now . A lot of people are joking when they say that . But there's that percentage of people who are very serious . They see it as this , like accessory , as this very fun thing that they always have on their hands , and they're not realizing how much work goes into it .

Speaker 1 9:32

For me , even though I knew motherhood was hard , it still was not enough to prepare me for just how hard it was . Like point blank period . All right , let's move on to the next one . Am I the asshole for asking my boyfriend to let me do the parenting ? My boyfriend and I are going to have a baby girl 16 weeks . What does that mean ? Baby girl ? It may be in 16 weeks anyways . I moved in with him when I found out I was pregnant . The problem is he also has a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship who is extremely spoiled , and it's my boyfriend's fault , okay .

Parenting Differences and Relationship Struggles

Speaker 1 10:18

Some examples are that she will only wear designer clothes , which I think is very unnecessary for a kid , and my boyfriend has a maid , so she has never done a chore in her whole life . A few weeks ago I asked her to wash the dishes and she looked at me like I'm insane and said F off , the maid will do it . This is a quick note as I'm editing the episode , because I realized I forgot to say this For the 14 year old , to tell you , f off , the maid will do it . I think you have way bigger problems than her wearing designer clothes . I think you need to have a much bigger sit down with her father around how she was raised and how you want to raise your kids . So a lot of what I'm going to be saying . I'm just going to put this on top of that and say , like , in addition to everything I've said in this episode , in this particular scenario , you also need to have a very serious conversation around why this 14 year old feels like it's okay to say F you and while she feels entitled to the maid doing everything . Also , what does your boyfriend do that he has a maid and his 14 year old is wearing designer clothes ? Like listen , it might be a lifestyle problem here that we're talking about .

Speaker 1 11:32

She is exactly how I don't want my child to be . So a few days ago , my boyfriend and I were talking about the baby and he was talking about his plans for when the baby is born and how much he is going to spoil her . I told him that it's better if he would let me do all the parenting , girl . He asked why , and I gently explained to him that he has already raised a child and I don't want my child to end up like her , so it's better if he just leaves the parenting to me . He got mad and called me an asshole and asked if I have a problem with his daughter . I said that I don't , but I want to raise my child differently , and he sarcastically told me that maybe I should move out and be a single parent and see how I like it . Now he won't talk to me and I'm wondering if I should have said that .

Speaker 1 12:24

The general , are you the asshole ? I would say yes because , girl , he already has the baby girl , the 14 year old daughter that he loves very , very much , and so why would you basically indirectly say that you hate how she is and you want to raise your child differently and therefore you should let him , he should let you do all the parenting ? That is unrealistic . If you plan on staying with this person , you cannot ask for them to let you do all the parenting because you're not the only parent . So either you disconnect from them and you completely go and be a single parent , like he told you , or you realize that this is a partnership , that there may be some things that he did with his first daughter that you don't want to do with your daughter together now , but at the end of the day , their siblings number one , number two you chose this man to be with . So in the time that you were with him , if you hadn't already picked up on how he was treating his 14-year-old , that should have been a good indicator of how he's going to treat your baby together .

Speaker 1 13:28

But that's not to say that you have to just , you know , wave a red flag , sorry , wave a white flag and give up . What that means is you have to just have a conversation , and the conversation can't be that you should leave the parenting all to me , because that's unrealistic , it's unfair , it's not logical . But you should have a conversation around what values you want to instill in your baby , what values you want to instill in both kids , because you have to have a frame of mind of like this is also your child , his 14-year-old is your stepchild . I mean , you say boyfriend , but it sounds like you guys are wanting to start a family together and be together . So you should be acting like a stepmom and that's your stepdaughter . So you shouldn't be isolating them and saying I don't like how they are and this is how I want to treat our little nuclear family . You guys are all one big family and so it's very asshole-ish to ask him to let you do all the parenting as if you know best . You may know different , but that's not to say what you know is better than what he knows . So you guys just need to talk about it . And parenting is a two-partner thing . Like you guys need to talk about it If you both want to be in the child's life . He cannot leave the parenting to you . That's impossible . Oh , got a little riled up there because what the hell ? I don't like this one because it's kind of stupid . Like , why would you say leave all the parenting to me ? He's supposed to just be like okay , no problem , you got it , girl . Okay , last one . Um , am I the asshole ? New parents need to know . Please read it .

Disagreement Over Asking for Help

Speaker 1 15:03

Help my wife was a 31 year old female and me a 32 year old male . Settle a disagreement . We will help you settle this disagreement , even though it was 168 days ago . My wife was taking care of our newborn when our three-year-old came up to ask her if she would help her go to the bathroom . Okay , she said go ask your father because she was busy . So my daughter ran up to ask me . We were sitting in a room with my family . No , no , it didn't say my name , you were just sitting in a room with family . So grandma , grandpa , aunt , uncle , brother , etc . So when my daughter asked me to help her , I told her ask your grandmother , who is constantly telling us she is happy to help and loves any chance to interact or help out with her grandkids .

Speaker 1 15:52

Now my wife is upset because she said I don't want some help , I want you to help . I Didn't want some help , I wanted you to help . So please let me have . If . What do these people be writing ? Okay , so they want to know if they're the asshole and they have a couple of clarifying points .

Speaker 1 16:13

If we were alone , I 100% would have and typically do helped out by wife . This is not a disagreement about thinking diapers or whatever else's wife's work or anything similar . However , since I knew my mother would be very happy to help . I didn't and don't see the harm in letting her help out . Also , I would have been 100% happy to help my wife out if I knew it was about me helping instead of getting her help when she was busy . What ? I would have been 100% happy to help my wife out if I knew it was about me helping . Okay , I said okay . It literally didn't occur to me for one second it never does that asking for help would have set her in the future . I will be happy to help her myself , even if it seems stupid to me , because she's my wife and that's what a husband should do . But in this instance , our Disagreement is about whether or not I should have known it would be upsetting to ask someone else to help instead of doing it myself .

Speaker 1 17:17

Hmm , what do new parents need to know ? Because the title was am I the asshole ? New parents need to know . There's a new parents and they need to know . Okay , hmm , yes , yes , yes , yes . I am inclined to say yes , you are the asshole . Only because you're doing this whole rant about Whether the problem is her expecting you to help versus you helping , versus the mom stepping in like sir , your daughter , right , who is three Came to her mom and said I need to pee and she's busy with the newborn .

Speaker 1 17:57

So she's like go ask your father . Very reasonable , she has to pee . Okay , these bladders they're not that strong , so you gotta help her pee . So she comes to you Any other example give her food , play with her . Fine grandma can step in . But if she needs to pee and she comes to you and she's like I got a pee , just take her to pee . You don't have to pawn that off to the grandmother . I Guess I'm just thinking about it from the child's perspective like , imagine you have to pee . So you already had worked up to the point where you had to pee . So you come and tell your mom and then your mom's I go ask your father . So you go ask your father and your father's , I go ask your grandma . That's already . Like if she pees on the carpet or on the floor , whose fault is that ? It's your guys's fault , because you guys are Pawning or off to each other . But clearly the mom is busy with the newborn . So dad , just take her to pee . It's not that serious and I Get it . The grandmother wants to help .

Speaker 1 18:53

But it seems to be that it seems to me that there might be a disconnect here because the mother I don't think she should be so caught up on the fact that the dad asked her grandma to help . I'm more upset about the girl , or the baby girl , like the new , the three-year-old , getting shuffled from person to person . That's what is more upsetting to me . I don't think the wife should have cared too much about who helped her pee . I think she was more upset about the delay and if not , then she Okay , um , what am I trying to say here ? I don't , I think it's just stupid . Like , as the husband , as the father , just go help her pee

Parenting Challenges and Seeking Feedback

Speaker 1 19:35

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Speaker 1 19:35

You don't have to include grandma , because sometimes , like because most likely you don't live with grandma , it might be more of a process to actually help her go pee , like , oh , let's go . She might not be as familiar with them . So in things like that , I think it's just easier for the parents to do it . It's faster , it's more efficient , and then grandparents can help with like , feeding , playing , tucking in , telling bedtime stories , things like that . But I think , specifically when it comes to like , asking her to go use the like , helping her to go use a bathroom , one of the parents should be able to do that and it should not be something that you point off under the people . The wife is upset about the fact that you would ask somebody else for help . I can see that . I can see it where it's like why don't you do it you ? What are you doing ? You're sitting there talking . Using the grandmother who is constantly happy to help is not the best excuse right then and there , like I mentioned , just go help your daughter use the bathroom . Oh , these people .

Speaker 1 20:32

But I see myself in every single one of these scenarios . I see my couple in every single one of these scenarios , because that's just what parenting is . It's like you marry the person that is the love of your life and everything is going well . And then you add a kid into the mix and let me tell you , different jikos , different attitudes , different personalities start coming out , because the way you want a parent might not be how they want a parent .

Speaker 1 20:54

Disagreements like this happen , misunderstandings . People are , you know , talking about your baby being cute or giving you baby fever , and you're thinking like no , let me , let me sound the alarm , let me make sure that I warn them about how hard this can be . So I completely understand all of what's going on here in this Reddit sub post . I understand everything that these parents are going through and I just want to say like this was a lighthearted episode . I'm talking about people are the asshole . They're not the asshole , but let me tell you it is trial and error and just because you're an asshole in one scenario doesn't mean you're an asshole in general .

Speaker 1 21:29

Just want to put that out there , that people are just experimenting and going through life and asking questions . And one thing that I do appreciate and I think that's what Reddit represents is that having a community around you can really help . Sometimes you do need to just be like was I overreacting ? Did I do the most ? Was this helpful ? How can I make this better ? So having that feedback loop can be really , really helpful when it comes to parenting , and that's what I'm getting from , like the posts I'm reading , the commentary I'm making , and hopefully you guys can kind of sense that when you listen to the episode as well , that people don't know what they're doing out here . They're just trial and erroring and these kids are the game pigs . So that's what I had for this episode .

Speaker 1 22:11

Like I mentioned , I wanted it to be a lighthearted , just a conversation , free , free flow of other parents who have questions and then me commenting on it , even though I don't have the most experience I'm just one year in but , like I mentioned , I see myself in every single one of those scenarios and I am just praying for all parents , new and old . Well , new restaurants , they all new and seasoned that parenthood continues to be a wonderful learning journey for all of us . Yeah , it's just , it's hard , but it is what it is , and sometimes those silver linings make every single hard experience so much more worth it . I don't know if I said that . Well , let me let me say it like . Let me clarify you know , you , you go through a lot of difficult moments as a parent and you go through a lot of hardship and doubt and questioning and wondering if you're doing things right . I'll never forget , like , every time I meet a parent like , especially a parent of a teenager or a parent of an adult , I always ask does it get easier ? And everyone has said no , everyone's like no , it doesn't get easier . So that alone tells me that there's a long , difficult journey ahead . But the silver lining in all of it is that the kids , the love that you share with them , it makes it all worth it . It's a learning experience for you . It'll challenge you in ways that you never thought you could be challenged , but it's a wonderful experience , and so I commend those right at parents who came and asked all these questions and want to put yourself in such a vulnerable position to receive that feedback . It's not easy , so kudos to you guys , but that was fun .

Speaker 1 24:01

I had a good time reading the posts , responding to them . I don't know if I'm correct or incorrect , but what do you guys think ? Are these people the assholes for these scenarios that they're in and the way that they responded ? Let me know in the comments below . Let me know if you're listening and you're not watching . So if you are an audio podcaster and you're listening to this in your car or in your kitchen or wherever , feel free to reach out to me on Instagram at idaggisay underscore , underscore . Yeah , you guys know how to reach me , so thank you thus far for being part of the community and I hope that we get new community members so that it can be more and more fun . I think I'll scour the Reddit , the subreddits for MIV asshole and see if there are any more relevant parenting additions that I can do . This was really fun and I think it's a good break from a lot of the hard episodes that I do . So hope you guys enjoy this and I will give you a rendezvous for the next episode . Thanks for listening . Slash watching .